Monty X Renzo
by Deathlark
Summary: This is what we call, FAAAAAAAAAANSSSSEEEEEEEEERVVIIIIIIIIICE (for a guy named Librizzi).


MONTY X RENZO

(FUCK YOU BIDNESS MAN)

…

One day, in the middle of the mines from Spelunky, Monty was just a doge, doge'n around the mines, like what doges normally do. Meanwhile, Renzo, at the Dong8, was getting all the ladies to OIL HIM UP.

Of course, Renzo was too much man for the ladies, and they imploded at the rock hardness of Renzo's nips. He kept looking for women durable enough to test the strength of his nipples so that he could finally be oiled up, but none worked. Freia? Died of shock. Amarynth? Not even those fish tits could handle the manliness of them rock hard nips.

Thus, Renzo simply cut through the 4th wall of Dong8 and went looking around video games to find people that would be able to handle the amazing hardness of his nips. He went everywhere he could find, from Wreck It Ralph to Dyrus's house, while he was droppin' dem bows. Of course, a giraffe wearing a business suit showed up and forced Renzo to escape into the solitude of a random game. Although more pixelated, Renzo's nipples were so manly that not even the lower quality of Spelunky could handle his nipples.

Renzo trotted about, and was met by a snake.

"EY MR. SNAKEY GUY, YOU KNOW ANY PEOPLE THAT CAN HANDLE MY GREAT NIPPLES OF MANLINESS?" Renzo yelled quite obnoxiously. The snake simply stared at him.

THE AMOUNT OF SUSPENSE THAT MET BETWEEN THE TWO'S EYES WAS UNPALPABLE. THEY STARED FOR AT LEAST A MILLENI- ok I'm just kidding. The snake's eyes simply moved down and saw the nips, and decided to kill himself for he could not handle the greatness of the nipples. Renzo frowned.

"NO ONE LIKES RENZO BECAUSE HIS NIPPLES ARE SO HARD. WILL I EVER FIND A TRUE PERSON THAT CAN HANDLE MY GODLY NIPPLES?" Renzo moped. He continued through the mines, and everything that caught a glimpse of him simple passed out in awe of Renzo's perfectness.

That is, until he found Monty. Monty was simply there, doge'n it up until Renzo came around.

Renzo took a good look at Monty, and thought he was adorable.

"HELLO LITTLE PUPPY, OH YOU'RE SO CUTE. WAIT A SECOND…" Renzo said. He just realized. Monty had not changed. He was still there, doge'n as always, until Renzo realized that Monty was not out-cold. The derping eyes simply stood still. Monty gave a small howl, and then Renzo picked him up, and danced around, having more fun than he had ever had in his entire life.

Renzo and Monty frolicked through the mines, killing every single bitch in their way by dropping bows on them. Renzo cut open a hole in the 4th wall again, and took Monty to the Dong8. There, Renzo frolicked about the spirit wells, not caring who chased after his body.

Game after game, movie after movie, Renzo had enjoyed more time with Monty than he had ever enjoyed in all 69 years of his life. He walked over to Monty.

"AH MONTY, YOU ARE THE BEST DOGE THAT I COULD HAVE EVER ASKED FOR. BUT WHY DO YOU NEVER SAY ANYTHING? YOU LOOK AWAY… AND YOU NEVER ACKNOWLEDGE ME…" Renzo asked. Monty simply stared and woofed.

"MAYBE YOUR RIGHT. OUR WORLDS ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO MIX. YOU ARE TO BE RESCUED FOR THE SAKE OF THE ALMIGHTY GOD OF MONTY SO THAT MONTY KARMA MAY REST IN PEACE, SO YOU KNOW WHAT? I WILL RETURN YOU TO THE WORLD WHERE YOU CAME FROM… BUT FIRST, WILL YOU… OIL ME UP?" Renzo asked. Monty simply barked.

(NOT SUITABLE FOR STREAM)

Monty was simply a furry mess of essential oils, while Renzo was passed out on the ground in happiness, his entire body slathered in slick oils. Renzo sat up.

"THANK YOU MONTY. NOW MY NIPPLES CAN REST IN PEACE, AND OTHERS WILL BE ABLE TO HANDLE THESE NIPS. YOU ARE THE BEST THING TO HAPPEN TO ME MONTY, BUT NOW… WE MUST GO." Monty kept up the adorable stare as Renzo cut into the 4th wall once more, and whisked Monty away to the world of Spelunky.

Back at the mines, Renzo appeared from thin air where he had found Monty. He laid them there.

"OK MONTY, I LOVED YOU SO, YOU HAVE DONE SO MUCH FOR ME, BUT IT IS TIME FOR US TO… *SNIFF* DEPART. *SOBSOBSOBSOBSOB*. GOODBYE MONTY! I WILL MISS YOU 5EVA (It's one more than 4eva!)!" Renzo screamed, as he left Monty as Monty stared into nothing, and simply howled as he sat there. Renzo cut into the 4th wall one last time, and returned to the Dong8.

After all, he was gonna get oiled up real good now that people could handle those godly nips.


End file.
